Writer’s Notebook: Diary Extract

Posted: June 5, 2015 in graffiti living
Tags: , , ,

Another day another pointless.

I’m thinking about the northern write club. There is clearly minor interest. And if it doesn’t pan out then fuck it I’m busy. And on that note I’ve got to do some stuff all next weeks starting tomorrow. And really should apply for some jobs.

Fifty words in and I’m already bored and restless. But what is there to say? And what is there to do. And why aren’t I dead yet?

It always comes back to this. But death comes to all of us in the end and soon so what’s the rush. But also what’s the use.

There is no grand meaning of life. It’s inherently meaningless, but that’s no bad thing. How could all life have one meaning when there’s so many of us? Did you expect one size fits all? Because, you know, that always helps.

And right now I’m suicidal. But also bored brainless and stupid. And I’m only doing this bit here to make the numbers up but feel bored fat tired and stupid and why the fuck am I here.

And I received a text message from someone which was kind, but I didn’t know how to respond as I’d already decided that I wasn’t going to get in touch.

I’m fucked at the moment. The realisation is that I’ve got to do something about my depression in any case otherwise I’ll be dead. Not that anyone should give a fuck about that. But yeah.

So near and yet so far. I hate living at the expense of others. I’ve made such a fucking mess of my life. That’s why I keep thinking of suicide. Either that or it’s an easy way out. But I don’t believe that as dying scares the shit out of me. Or at least used to do. But now I’m so fucking tired that it doesn’t matter any more.

I should hold Write Club this Thursday and if I don’t then I’m never going to do it. Oh shut the fuck up you boring asshole. HEY wait a minute, don’t talk to me like that. Why not? Because we’re better than that, that’s why.

We’ve achieved a lot. I just feel like the kid that never grew up and never wanted to and was always several years behind the other kids, still playing games, lost in my own little world, whilst others planned their careers.

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