Twitter Quotes – Welcome to Sarcasm, Please Enjoy Your Stay

Posted: June 13, 2010 in graffiti living
Tags: ,

Continuing the tweets whilst I get my work done. The road to hell is paved with aphorism. And sarcasm. Apparently.

2009-12-21 17:48:22
gaikokujin: What is snow for, if not staying in curled up in front of the fire with hot buttered crumpets and a steaming mug of tea?! #signsofgettingold

2009-12-21 01:30:39
gaikokujin: Have. Insomnia. Must. Turn. Off. The. Internet.

2009-12-21 01:28:30
gaikokujin: You’re so vain. I bet you think this tweet is about you.

2009-12-20 00:00:12
gaikokujin: A mate once told me you get women to notice you by acting indifferent. I described being indifferent. He said “No, James, that’s just evil.”

2009-12-19 13:53:12
gaikokujin: The truth is like a wet fart – painful, messy, but better out than in.

2009-12-18 12:07:59
gaikokujin: It’s amazing what you can find out through direct experience. Today I learnt that snow is cold. I didn’t even have to google it or anything.

2009-12-16 00:27:02
gaikokujin: It DOES amuse me, for about 30 seconds. But I’d much prefer to protest by bankrupting Sony or killing Simon Cowell.

2009-12-15 22:44:25
gaikokujin: Xmas number 1? Rage Against The Machine and Smiley Virus are both owned by Sony Music Entertainment. I’m just saying.

2009-12-14 00:00:49
gaikokujin: warning: may contain traces of sarcasm.

2009-12-12 18:59:09
gaikokujin: I dreamt that a wheelbarrow full of peas explained its life philosophy to me (“MORE PEAS”) – I knew there was a reason I’d stopped drinking.

2009-12-09 13:26:10
gaikokujin: I’m hibernating for winter. If you see me sleeping in a box of straw don’t wake me up, unless you made me a cup of tea. It’s very dangerous.

2009-12-08 14:47:15
gaikokujin: My commute was punctuated by the sounds of screaming children. Bring back capital punishment. I mean parenting skills. Sorry, Freudian slip.

2009-12-07 14:23:34
gaikokujin: digital doldrums: a calm realisation that noone gives a fuck about your blog, yourself included, which probably has something to do with it.

2009-11-30 09:25:29
gaikokujin: Short of reincarnation, I’m never going to be a teenager again. Or twenty. When was that decided? Did I miss a meeting?

2009-11-23 01:40:57
gaikokujin: I’ve been typing up old notebooks from when I was a teen – who was this young crazy genius? Whatever happened to him?

2009-11-18 21:05:07
gaikokujin: I’ve been keeping a gratitude list of things I’m grateful for each day. If it gets much bigger I’m going to change my name to Rainbow Brite!

2009-11-17 22:53:16
gaikokujin: You ever had a surprisingly rude or sexy dream about a friend and then been too embarrassed to speak to them in the morning? Me too, Me too.

2009-11-17 08:13:43
gaikokujin: Sometimes I feel like the universe has aligned itself against me – for my own good – because the only way to succeed is to write my way out.

2009-11-15 21:34:39
gaikokujin: I told off a Chav without getting stabbed. When I growled “Do you want to turn that down?” he switched it off so being grouchy has its uses!

2009-11-14 19:13:08
gaikokujin: I hope there is a place in hell for unreliable people. And, you know, that they can find it.

2009-11-12 22:10:40
gaikokujin: My #nanowrimo characters include an albino hitman with an evil shadow, a magic cat that’s a mafia boss, and a fat man dressed as a skeleton.

2009-11-12 08:57:00
gaikokujin: Maths was never my strong point but my ability to write seems to be inversely proportional to my propensity to shave.

2009-11-11 18:40:39
gaikokujin: I have crow’s feet and there’s grey in my beard. Help! Guards?! Someone has stolen my youth!

2009-11-11 11:00:07
gaikokujin: Write on the way to work. When people try to read what you’re writing – write about killing them. Works like a charm.

2009-11-10 17:44:56
gaikokujin: Just had two mormon missionaries try to recruit me. They were both really cute which made it almost impossible for me to say leave me alone!

2009-11-07 18:16:48
gaikokujin: According to Thelema, “good and evil bear fruit on one same tree, and from one same root.” Be sure to get your five a day.

2009-10-31 20:13:21
gaikokujin: One batty, ah ah ah, two batty, ah ah ah… (Happy Hallowe’en)

2009-10-31 07:08:54
gaikokujin: Thought from dream: The human mind is pretty amazing…if you think about it.

2009-10-30 22:00:27
gaikokujin: People are already talking about Christmas shopping and the importance of buying great gifts. Jesus died so that you could shop. Apparently.

2009-10-29 22:00:06
gaikokujin: Why do Americans write books about ‘all of us’ meaning America addressed to ‘everyone’ meaning America and not ‘everyone’ meaning the world?

2009-10-28 22:00:12
gaikokujin: Productive procrastination: Find something that scares you more than whatever you most want to do. Put off the first one by doing the other.

2009-10-27 22:00:09
gaikokujin: Do you remember when people used to get emails from each other rather than getting messages from Facebook saying we’ve got messages to read?

2009-10-27 13:17:46
gaikokujin: When you ask a librarian ‘what does it mean’ when you can’t find a book – they secretly long to punch you.

2009-10-26 22:00:17
gaikokujin: Jump in at the deep end: no matter how strong a swimmer you are, you’ll make it to the other side; or drown and make it to the ‘other side’.

2009-10-26 09:51:46
gaikokujin: Last day of my long sleepy weekend and I’m at a loss what to do… *shakes fist at his lack of imagination*

2009-10-25 22:00:08
gaikokujin: I waited in a cafe for the rain to end, preferring tea and cake to getting wet. It must be a sign of getting old – or else of being

2009-10-25 09:41:04
gaikokujin: I thought that I’d managed to travel back in time using only the power of my mind as I slept. Then I realised that the clocks had gone back.

2009-10-24 22:00:28
gaikokujin: My number one reason for not following people on Twitter – I’m not interested in what strangers had for breakfast.

2009-10-24 18:53:28
gaikokujin: Judging by the mindless clamouring hordes in the cinema, Zombieland is a documentary. Still, more fun than killing zombies yourself. (I lie)

2009-10-24 17:00:19
gaikokujin: I think I just invented a word: Factsimile – something that sounds like it’s true, but isn’t.

2009-10-23 13:05:16
gaikokujin: Just caught myself cleaning my face with my paws like a cat. Very odd – but somehow appropriate.

2009-10-23 09:32:27
gaikokujin: I just overheard a bunch of Japanese girls talking at work and swooned. Not at what they said (gossip about their friends) but at the sound.

2009-10-22 22:00:12
gaikokujin: Why is it that as we get older the amount of money we’d need for it to be “life-changing” increases, though we’d have less time to spend it?

2009-10-21 22:00:22
gaikokujin: Too many people mistake effluence for affluence.

2009-10-20 22:00:52
gaikokujin: Lesson from dream: when fighting fairytale monsters, you have to defeat them with fairytale things. That’s the only way you’ll destroy them.

2009-10-20 10:36:59
gaikokujin: Today… I will be mostly… hating Welsh academics – but they started it!

2009-10-19 22:00:22
gaikokujin: I occasionally go partially blind in one eye – but it’s usually only noticeable in the dark. #trufax

2009-10-19 11:40:46
gaikokujin: Lesson just learnt: Don’t wait to feel better before you act. Act and feel better!

2009-10-19 10:00:24
gaikokujin: How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb? I don’t know, but I can look it up for you. (Same number as to run an empty library)

2009-10-18 22:00:23
gaikokujin: I have a tendency to wallow. As in bath, so in life.

2009-10-17 22:00:11
gaikokujin: In the train station a pretty young foreign girl said to me: “Do you have pain? Pain. No PAIN… That you write with.” (She wanted a pen)

2009-10-17 10:00:11
gaikokujin: My faith in humanity has been restored – or at the very least reset to its default factory settings.

2009-10-16 18:54:29
gaikokujin: I’m so tired that I snotted on my mobile phone – I pulled out a handkerchief to blow my nose but forgot that my phone was in the other hand.

2009-10-16 10:00:11
gaikokujin: Don’t let your muse decide your day. Sitting in your underwear isn’t a job unless you’re good looking or have a crack habit.

2009-10-15 10:00:08
gaikokujin: When I say “That’s alright, I don’t mind, forget about it” what I’m really saying is “I want to cut off your face and feed it to your pets.”

2009-10-14 22:00:04
gaikokujin: Happen; it might never cheer up.

2009-10-14 17:20:30
gaikokujin: Signs of getting old: I just woke up exhausted from an
accidental three hour nap… I don’t even remember lying down.

2009-10-14 10:00:20
gaikokujin: In the library people get really possessive about dictionaries. It’s a pity it isn’t grammar books – they’d be possessive about possessives.

2009-10-13 10:00:18
gaikokujin: Daddy or chips? The chips are burnt. Before we decide, let’s set fire to daddy first to even things out.

2009-10-12 10:00:16
gaikokujin: Sign of getting old: I’m sick to death of trousers being
designed by people who seem blissfully unaware of the fact that men have testicles.

2009-10-11 22:00:03
gaikokujin: A thing as dreamless will have a dream.

2009-10-11 10:00:21
gaikokujin: Here’s how customer service works: You give us your money. We shit on you. Unless you like that sort of thing – in which case, that’s extra.

2009-10-10 17:41:36
gaikokujin: Sign of getting old: In Japanese restaurants I always look at the menu – then I always order Ebi Gyoza and Yaki Udon.

2009-10-10 17:30:06
gaikokujin: Even when overacted Brecht still underperformed. I hated him with a passion bordering on fury but when asked said he was “very interesting”.

2009-10-10 09:37:02
gaikokujin: Emotional outlook for this week: stormy, with occasional showers.

2009-10-09 22:00:04
gaikokujin: An economic model that doesn’t involve money is not only possible, it’s inevitable.

2009-10-08 22:00:03
gaikokujin: You cant turn lead into gold, but you can turn shit into money.

2009-10-08 08:12:03
gaikokujin: Just had to check my calendar several times to reassure myself that it is Thursday… I’m not remotely mentally ill.

2009-10-06 22:00:05
gaikokujin: Anything that you turn into art, you have the right to destroy.

2009-10-06 09:02:17
gaikokujin: In my lexicon ‘go to Japan’ has become just as much a euphemism for ‘commit suicide’ as it has for ‘do something meaningful with my life.’

2009-10-05 22:00:05
gaikokujin: Procrastination is like chess – you can view it as an art, a science, or a sport – or just something to do when it’s raining.

2009-10-05 18:44:35
gaikokujin: “If man is five, then the devil is six, and god is seven. This monkey’s gone to heaven.” Oh I love the Pixies – and yes they were awesome 😛

2009-10-05 12:06:48
gaikokujin: Any plan that begins with ‘get up at 5 am’ seriously needs to be reconsidered. But any plan that ends with The Pixies is bound to be genius.

2009-10-04 22:00:04
gaikokujin: I dreamt that I killed an editor but another helped me hide the body. I said “Does this make you a Sympathetic Editor?” They weren’t amused.

2009-10-04 07:30:47
gaikokujin: Walk was fun, under full moon. Tea is good. Pixies are going to be very good. Trains are morally ambiguous. Going to catch my first one now.

2009-10-04 07:18:23
gaikokujin: Eating breakfast in Leeds station. Bacon is good. We have eggplants, there should be a bacon plant too. So we can have veggie bacon & egg.

2009-10-04 04:38:59
gaikokujin: Up at 5, ready by 6, walk 2 miles to catch a bus to catch a train to get to Glasgow to see The Pixies. Piece of piss.

2009-10-03 22:00:03
gaikokujin: Do you remember when coffee was something we drank in each others houses instead of remortgaging your house to drink it in bloody $T@rbuck$?

2009-10-02 22:00:07
gaikokujin: I dreamt I had a conversation in Japanese. My pronunciation was terrible but the dream person was very pleased. I dreamt that too of course!

2009-10-01 22:00:03
gaikokujin: All you need is love. But if you’ve got the royalties to a song like ‘All you need is love’ to fall back on, then that’s pretty handy too 😛

2009-09-30 22:00:19
gaikokujin: We’re all in a state of not-knowing. And we couldn’t care less.

2009-09-29 22:00:04
gaikokujin: Love your brother and your sister. Then, for a different kind of love, try your sister’s friends.

2009-09-29 06:24:48
gaikokujin: I ♥ Socrates, he’s like the annoying little kid who always asks ‘why?’

2009-09-29 06:19:32
gaikokujin: I deliberately ate cheese last night so that it would give me nightmares. As a result, I slept like a baby.

2009-09-28 22:00:51
gaikokujin: How are you supposed to know whether or not you’re in a state of not-knowing?! I don’t know… Sorry, wrong meeting.

2009-09-27 22:00:07
gaikokujin: Just do it! It may be the hackneyed and overused slogan of a corrupt and evil, well-known sweatshop facilitator, but it’s still good advice.

2009-09-26 22:00:03
gaikokujin: Breathe in, then out. Or, try it the other way around. Either way, the important thing is to keep doing it.

2009-09-25 22:00:08
gaikokujin: “Who are you? I think I love you.” Say this to the next person you see.

2009-09-24 22:00:04
gaikokujin: If things feel a bit wobbly, try to act normal… That
sometimes works.

2009-09-23 22:00:03
gaikokujin: If you are walking, walk. If you are sitting, sit. If you are going away for a bit, send us a postcard.

2009-09-22 22:00:08
gaikokujin: If you gotta go, go now. There’s no point bottling it up.

2009-09-22 06:19:16
gaikokujin: Insomnia. Even the word makes me sleepy.

2009-09-20 08:39:59
gaikokujin: I was asked if I had a muse. I had to deny everything – she was listening!

2009-09-19 22:00:05
gaikokujin: Act like a jerk, and the world will treat you as an equal.

2009-09-18 22:18:41
gaikokujin: Sign in shared student halls toilets: ‘Guys be sweet and lower the seat.’ My reply at the time: ‘I’m an elf, do it yourself.’

2009-09-18 22:00:04
gaikokujin: Whatever you did, that’s ok. Just don’t do it again, alright?

2009-09-17 22:00:04
gaikokujin: Understand this – the world is against you. And – that’s funny. Or at least, I think that’s funny.

2009-09-17 18:37:44
gaikokujin: District 9: I always thought that prawns were a little suspect. Brilliant! Brilliant! Brilliant! Brilliant!

2009-09-16 22:00:04
gaikokujin: If you’re a spectator at the match of life, it’ll end up a
nil-all draw. If you stay home instead, you’ll probably miss a blinder of a game.

2009-09-16 21:08:57
gaikokujin: CDs shipped. People chastened. Robots subdued. Me has tea, biscuits, and Snow Leopard. Did I mention that I have TEA?

2009-09-16 07:37:03
gaikokujin: Day three in the Parcel Delivery Big Brother household. Afraid to leave the house, James finally snaps due to caffeine withdrawal. *cackles*

2009-09-15 22:00:05
gaikokujin: As for honouring thy father and thy mother – that’s alright in theory, but it depends on what kind of folks you have.

2009-09-15 20:43:52
gaikokujin: Shout at people for 2 days. They lie. Speak to robots. They lie. Speak to people who don’t speak English. Then scream. I ♥ Customer Service.

2009-09-14 16:52:41
gaikokujin: Oh parcel delivery service who art in situ, hallowed be thy pickup time… *waits six hours* – Why hast thou forsaken me? *waits* BASTARDS!

2009-09-12 22:18:39
gaikokujin: Just watched ‘Little Miss Sunshine’:

2009-09-12 14:37:53
gaikokujin: Facebook: where friendships go to die.

2009-09-11 23:20:31
gaikokujin: The road to truth is paved with aphorism.

2009-09-11 22:00:04
gaikokujin: They say that God’s always with you. Why not try and do something interesting this weekend, he must get bored easily.

2009-09-11 09:04:22
gaikokujin: Lucifer isn’t coming, he’s always had a face like that!

2009-09-10 22:00:05
gaikokujin: The universe is full of good things if you know where to look. I suspect that tramps may be onto something – always going through the bins.

2009-09-09 22:15:06
gaikokujin: Some people are caught looking through the keyhole of life. Others are in the bedroom, at it like rabbits. Which person would you rather be?

2009-09-09 10:00:16
gaikokujin: Sandwich: You shall either die of pox or on the gallows! John Wilkes: That sir, depends on whether I embrace your mistress or your politics.

2009-09-08 22:00:17
gaikokujin: Eris is my bitch. #intelligentgraffiti (she is the goddess of chaos, strife, discord, and other fun things like that)

2009-09-07 22:00:04
gaikokujin: Life is a long journey. You might want to go to the toilet before you set off.

2009-09-07 03:00:17
gaikokujin: Tori Amos live was so good she made me cry. Even better than last time. Now I have to find and replay all of her albums. Such a hard life 😛

2009-09-05 22:00:03
gaikokujin: Listen to your inner child. Embrace your inner child. Buy them a balloon. Then, see if you can get a babysitter, and go out for the evening.

2009-09-04 18:41:11
gaikokujin: I added it all up. In one lifetime, I’ve written in excess of 2 million words – all bad. I am seriously mentally ill.

2009-09-03 22:00:03
gaikokujin: If life slaps you in the face, say thanks life, that’s just
what I always wanted. But, say it a bit sarcastically, so life gets the

2009-09-03 07:36:01
gaikokujin: People don’t incur my wrath, so much as quietly get added to my shit list.

2009-09-02 22:00:04
gaikokujin: It is better to give than to receive. But if you’re always
lending out your books and CDs and never getting them back, it’s time to rethink.

2009-09-01 22:00:04
gaikokujin: A man who wears dark glasses indoors, is not looking for truth.

2009-09-01 18:12:17
gaikokujin: if mad ranty shit was an artform, I’d be considered prolific 😛

2009-08-31 22:00:04
gaikokujin: Whatever path you are on, follow that path. Then, when you see a main road, bear right at the garage… You must bear right at the garage!!!

2009-08-30 22:00:05
gaikokujin: It is always easier to ride the bus in the direction that it’s going.

2009-08-29 22:00:05
gaikokujin: When you reach a state of true enlightenment, write down your thoughts. Have a look at them the next day, and see if they still make sense.

2009-08-28 22:53:10
gaikokujin: I’m tempted to BUY a copy of Snow Leopard. Feel like a born again Christian reclaiming their virginity – embracing Jesus after getting laid.

2009-08-28 22:00:05
gaikokujin: Look inside yourself. Look left, then right, then left again. If the road is clear, proceed.

2009-08-27 22:00:03
gaikokujin: We are all one. Especially you – you’re definitely one.

2009-08-27 12:56:40
gaikokujin: In my diet: Fish good, Bread bad. Salmon and Soy Sauce sandwich: a compromise I can learn to live with.

2009-08-24 22:00:05
gaikokujin: We are all God’s children. God has been a bit busy.

2009-08-20 13:55:25
gaikokujin: I think my advance posting has gotten out of hand: if I died today, I’d still be sending regular twitter and facebook updates until October!

2009-08-19 22:00:53
gaikokujin: Found this scribbled in my notebook: “It doesn’t have to mean, it just has to feel.” It’s neither witty, sarcastic, or funny, but I like it.

2009-08-19 09:13:47
gaikokujin: Everybody’s twittering @me, I can’t hear a word they’re saying, only the echo in my mind…

2009-08-17 22:00:10
gaikokujin: I’m definitely like a cat – I love being curled up in front of a fire, hate getting caught in the rain, and I’d lick my privates if I could.

2009-08-16 22:00:10
gaikokujin: Less is more… more or less.

2009-08-13 22:00:04
gaikokujin: Meeting up with people you’ve not seen in ages feels like going to the dentist. It could be like pulling teeth, or you could get a lollipop.

2009-08-12 22:00:07
gaikokujin: I sleep with the curtains open. The sun is a wonderful alarm clock. Even if I do wake up cowered in the darkest corner of the room, hissing.

2009-08-11 19:52:45
gaikokujin: nap: an inappropriate amount of sleep at an inopportune time from which you wake more tired than when you nodded off.

2009-08-09 22:00:06
gaikokujin: Watching Blade Runner religiously when I was little explains in part my obsession with #Japan; it’s the closest I could get to living there.

2009-08-08 22:00:05
gaikokujin: I love #tea so much, I even friended it on #Facebook.

2009-08-07 22:00:06
gaikokujin: If money is nothing but information, doesn’t that mean that poor people are dying of ignorance? Sorry, wrong meeting.

2009-08-06 11:00:06
gaikokujin: There is no great #conspiracy. Just lots of mediocre ones.

2009-08-05 11:00:05
gaikokujin: When Aleister Crowley said that “every man and every woman is a star”, I don’t think that he had #BigBrother in mind.

2009-08-04 22:00:09
gaikokujin: Have you ever noticed how #socialmedia isn’t very social?

2009-08-03 22:00:16
gaikokujin: And the meek shall inherit fuck all, unless they get their act together. #1stdraft #Bible

2009-08-02 10:23:15
gaikokujin: Exercise your demons. Nobody likes a fat demon.

2009-08-01 22:00:17
gaikokujin: What am I doing? I don’t know, I just work here. My brain should be back on Monday if you want to leave it a message.

2009-07-31 22:00:03
gaikokujin: Me: Why have I put on so much weight?
Fridge: I’ve no idea.
Would you like a sandwich?
Insomnia: Great idea – and it’s only 4am!
Me: Bugger.

2009-07-31 08:12:10
gaikokujin: It’s sunny. Instead of spending the day getting rid of stuff on Ebay, I’ve donated it to charity – everything except for the cuddly toy cow!

2009-07-30 22:00:10
gaikokujin: I seem to oscillate between slacker and control freak. This is by turns messy, complicated, and bordering on illegal.

2009-07-28 22:00:06
gaikokujin: I’ve just discovered that ‘Junior Legal Pad’ is American for… wait for it… a small notepad. Can I have my time back please?!!

2009-07-26 22:00:09
gaikokujin: And the geek shall inherit the earth…

2009-07-25 22:00:04
gaikokujin: The higher you climb, the more you hold on. The more you hold on, the higher the chance that you’ll fall.

2009-07-24 22:00:07
gaikokujin: Freedom is free. They only tell you that freedom isn’t free so that they can sell it back to you as an optional extra.

2009-07-23 22:00:13
gaikokujin: Homeless ogres, invisible werewolves, and vampires with bad teeth: my dreams are a weird and wonderful place to live.

2009-07-21 23:24:47
gaikokujin: Computer plays out all scenarios for WW3: “Strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?” I ♥ the #80s

2009-07-20 23:00:26
gaikokujin: I was told that I’m ‘too old to grow my hair long.’ Surely that only occurs when you’ve been dead long enough for your hair to stop growing?

2009-07-20 08:26:16
gaikokujin: My thoughts are like the bubbles in a jacuzzi. Some of them are a bit – you know – suspicious.

2009-07-20 00:11:34
gaikokujin: We’re all going home in an ambulance.

2009-07-19 02:06:06
gaikokujin: Gloomy Sunday.

2009-07-16 22:23:43
gaikokujin: Ever feel like the universe just took a massive shit on your head in order to prove that it’s got a wicked sense of humour?! Me too, me too.

2009-07-16 11:05:04
gaikokujin: ‘A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away’ … Is this all it is, just a great big fucking story?! #competitivegeekbaiting

2009-07-15 23:14:24
gaikokujin: I’ve just finished some creative writing – well, I updated my CV, but that still counts…right?!

2009-07-15 12:31:40
gaikokujin: To do is to be. To be is to do. Doo Bee Doo Bee Doo.

2009-07-13 23:28:39
gaikokujin: I’ve just caught myself drinking apple juice whilst eating an apple; which is weird, as I don’t bloody like apples!!!

2009-07-10 21:05:31
gaikokujin: Thank… Crunchie… it’s… Friday.

2009-07-10 17:58:48
gaikokujin: Me: I want to work in Japan. Careers Advisor: REALLY? Howdya do that? I’ve not read your CV; did you use bullet points? Me: Oh, I’d love to.

2009-07-08 19:50:57
gaikokujin: Found this in my notebook: When the whole world smells of fish, it’s time to burn your clothes. (I’m sure it made perfect sense at the time)

2009-07-05 18:17:11
gaikokujin: My family is retarded. I’ve just watched them throw away 100s of negatives but keep the old photos to put on the computer later.

2009-07-01 13:43:33
gaikokujin: I’ve just found out my Japanese language exam results; I got a distinction! Now all I need to do is – learn Japanese.

2009-07-01 08:35:41
gaikokujin: Opera: Posh people wailing, without the satisfaction of my having shot them. Kidding, I loved it really. But fetch me a rifle, just in case.

2009-06-29 11:29:04
gaikokujin: A once adept magician and shaman now works in advertising, for the likes of Coca-Cola and Disney. It’s irony on a base level, but I like it.

2009-06-27 11:47:33
gaikokujin: First I’m going to have a little drinkie, and then I’m going to execute the whole bally lot of you!

2009-06-26 08:56:33
gaikokujin: I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways. Just not his face or his skin colour, that’s overdoing it a bit.

2009-06-25 07:51:23
gaikokujin: #intelligentgraffiti Ketamine – Just Say Neigh!

2009-06-23 08:40:49
gaikokujin: 32 today. They say it’s all downhill from… several years ago. I’ve been going downhill fast for so long now, I think I can see the

2009-06-22 16:14:56
gaikokujin: I got my arrogance from my dad, my madness from my mum, and my intelligence from the aliens that abducted them.

2009-06-17 16:38:14
gaikokujin: I keep £100 to one side as a fuck up fund. Mistakes costing less than £100 aren’t worth worrying about; any above that are just impressive.

2009-06-13 19:16:49
gaikokujin: Eg. “I want to be a great writer and live in
Japan, which probably means teaching English” becomes I’ll ‘Write. Live. Teach.’

2009-06-13 19:10:19
gaikokujin: Seriously though, write down what you’d love to do in an ideal world. Write down the verbs from that sentence. Then do those.

2009-06-13 19:05:00
gaikokujin: They say you encourage people to do things that
you secretly want to do yourself. I think you’d make an excellent hit-man! 😛

2009-06-13 19:02:53
gaikokujin: I’m trying to decide what to do and especially where to go for my birthday that doesn’t involve the words “birthday” or “party”.

2009-06-12 23:23:05
gaikokujin: I think I need to go to my happy place!

2009-06-12 22:59:50
gaikokujin: omg! wtf? lol, rtfm asap noob! ftw – y/n? afaik. abft.
rotflmao… oh ffs, STOP IT!!! Me included BTW. KTHNXBYE! 😛 x

2009-06-12 22:25:03
gaikokujin: Procrastination is like chess – you can view it as an art, a science, or a sport – or just something to do when it’s raining.

2009-06-11 22:59:51
gaikokujin: I’ve contemplated suicide every day of my life, since the age of eleven. My ability to procrastinate knows no bounds.

2009-06-11 21:36:29
gaikokujin: You have to try and figure out where you are at the moment, in the moment, moment to moment, for all moments. This is harder than it sounds.

2009-06-10 16:58:43
gaikokujin: In the spirit of a child who poos on the lawn then says to its parents “look what I just did!”, my blog is:

2009-06-08 12:24:52
gaikokujin: Last night the BNP got in – this morning I rescued a hedgehog cowering at my door. Coincidence? I think not. Save the hedgehog of Democracy!

2009-06-03 23:27:16
gaikokujin: I’m having one of those weeks where I feel like I’ve
unofficially fallen out with everyone, but don’t know what I did. Did I miss a meeting?

2009-06-02 19:42:55
gaikokujin: My ability to speak seems to be inversely proportional to my ability to write – I can no longer string sentences together in the real world.

2009-06-02 14:50:29
gaikokujin: Forget madness, I’ve seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by monotony. Starving, hysterical, naked, or working in shitty day jobs.

2009-06-01 09:59:52
gaikokujin: You don’t have to change yourself to become capable of
something. You only need realise that you’re capable of anything – maybe not sit-ups.

2009-05-29 14:42:12
gaikokujin: I pretended to watch Star Trek ironically, but blew my cover as I clearly got all the in-jokes and laughed too loud when the red shirt died.

2009-05-29 06:16:16
gaikokujin: Life has no inherent meaning; it’s yours to make. Everyone has the right to self determination and self termination… Sorry, wrong meeting.

2009-05-27 12:51:31
gaikokujin: I tend to attract crazy people, but it turns out that the mad woman jabbering away to herself on the bus next to me had a hands-free mobile.

2009-05-26 23:29:10
gaikokujin: Passive aggressive: friending complete strangers on Facebook / Twitter and bitching at them for being ungrateful and not friending you back.

2009-05-26 04:37:53
gaikokujin: No-one ever gave you a goddamned thing – except your loved ones, friends, family, and completely random strangers.

2009-05-23 16:53:47
gaikokujin: So tired I can’t sleep is my modus operandi.

2009-05-23 13:54:10
gaikokujin: SQUUUUEEEEEEEEE!!! … Did I mention that I went to see Kristin Hersh? 😛 She was fierce, ferocious, and lovely in every sense of the words.

2009-05-22 11:51:45
gaikokujin: American: one on whom sarcasm & self-awareness are both lost.

2009-05-22 11:38:01
gaikokujin: #intelligentgraffiti Question: Is there intelligent life on
earth? Answer (scrawled underneath by someone else): Yes but we’re only visiting

2009-05-21 21:14:52
gaikokujin: Some say the glass is half full or half empty. I suspect
glasses don’t exist and that empty / full is a false dichotomy to sell more drinks.

2009-05-19 22:15:28
gaikokujin: Have you ever noticed how the moral majority isn’t moral and there’s more of us than of them? – Sorry, wrong meeting.

2009-05-19 12:35:26
gaikokujin: do what we tell you you are free to do what we tell you you are free to do what we tell you you are free to do what we tell you you are free

2009-05-18 22:10:23
gaikokujin: It’s a sad state of affairs when FUCK GOOGLE is the most radical and pro free speech thing you could think of to say.

2009-05-17 22:04:01
gaikokujin: One thing about working in a University I never could stomach…all the damn vampires. Students, I meant students.

2009-05-13 22:12:58
gaikokujin: So, I FINALLY did some public speaking, as part of a course. Nobody died and the world didn’t end. Not as a direct result of my talk anyway.

2009-05-12 15:42:24
gaikokujin: To persist is an act of defiance, not of faith. Right now I’m persisted off 😛

2009-05-12 15:35:23
gaikokujin: Some things cannot be known except through the body.

2009-05-11 16:39:12
gaikokujin: Hi, this is Jesus. I can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave your message after the beep & I’ll get back to you as soon as I return.

2009-05-08 06:43:14
gaikokujin: Life isn’t a democracy. People don’t get the right to vote on how you live yours. Your detractors are probably trying to sell you something.

2009-05-07 15:35:58
gaikokujin: I am disgusted by the number of university students who literally don’t understand the concept of alphabetical order.

2009-05-04 22:08:26
gaikokujin: I used to meet mythological god forms in my dreams – and pick fights with them. These days, I’ve insomnia, and they all work in the library.

2009-04-23 12:17:57
gaikokujin: When it comes to social skills I feel like the shy and awkward kid who never learnt how to play nice with other children. Hands off my toys!

2009-04-19 20:52:19
gaikokujin: When people ask “what career do you want?” all I hear is “what kind of slavery would you prefer?” It seems like being ‘free’ isn’t an option

2009-04-08 19:04:24
gaikokujin: I think I’ve managed to reduce all my books down to ones that are about writing, Japan, magick, or gifts from friends

2009-04-03 22:26:04
gaikokujin: Easter: a time when we celebrate the death of Jesus by eating chocolate eggs bestowed upon us by a magical bunny. Happy holidays everyone!!!

2009-03-30 12:15:16
gaikokujin: Even monkeys fall from trees.

2009-03-15 23:35:57
gaikokujin: I’m gutted to find out that ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ isn’t a documentary.

2009-03-09 13:05:20
gaikokujin: You could die today. Your default position is to be afraid of everything or afraid of nothing. Even getting out of bed is a calculated risk.

2009-02-13 19:21:35
gaikokujin: Work: meaningless shit done for tedious fucks in exchange for the fiction of money. (My English Dictionary)

2009-02-11 18:36:56
gaikokujin: the emperor is naked, but does not like to be reminded

2009-02-10 10:47:44
gaikokujin: Usually whenever I’ve a song stuck in my head it’s my brain trying to tell me something. But today it’s ‘The Monster Mash’ -any suggestions?

2009-02-09 18:54:31
gaikokujin: Have you ever noticed how social media isn’t very sociable?

2009-02-02 00:51:44
gaikokujin: I tried to convince a vegetarian friend that it’s ok to eat fish because fish don’t count. Apparently that is pescetarianism; or ‘being a cat.’

2009-01-25 23:45:25
gaikokujin: The Wikipedia entry for the meaning of life is flagged as being ‘in need of attention from an expert on the subject.’ I’m still laughing now

2009-01-21 01:38:33
gaikokujin: Hmm, let me see… a Japanese anime about magical cats. What are the chances that I watched it?! Lets just say I now want a cat called Muta!

2009-01-16 16:29:42
gaikokujin: American: a person on whom sarcasm and self awareness are both lost. Example of usage: ‘There are too many Americans in the world.’

2009-01-14 16:01:29
gaikokujin: TV isn’t a window on the world so much as a brick wall decorated with neon skulls and the blood of innocent children.

2009-01-13 12:06:20
gaikokujin: The monkey speaks his mind

2009-01-11 04:58:57
gaikokujin: A new life awaits you in the off-world colonies. The chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure…

2009-01-07 15:35:27
gaikokujin: So, I wrote a letter to God but I never received a reply… God is now next to Santa on my list of unreliable people.

2009-01-07 15:31:58
gaikokujin: Am I the only one who thinks verb conjugation sounds a bit rude? All those verbs…conjugating…like rabbits!

2009-01-03 22:42:44
gaikokujin: Doctor WHO?! No seriously, I have no idea who that is.

2009-01-02 23:43:00
gaikokujin: They say that the only things that are certain are death and taxes. Which is ironic, as I’m suicidal because I don’t know how to do my taxes

2009-01-02 12:16:23
gaikokujin: I’m filing my taxes for the first time. Numbers make me sad. Know any good accountants?


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